Response Center #2771A

" . . . like a bottle of tequila wrapped around Sigmund Freud."

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Meet the Agents
bronzeclockwork
Welcome to PPC Response Center #2771a! Now that you're here, take some time out--relax, put your feet up on the sentient microwave, and meet our agents!

Suicide is the main man and doubtless the most lethal of #2771a's inhabitants. He's supposedly an uncanonical clone of the character of the same name, a Scythian squire to the Lakedaemonians who died at Thermopylae with his masters and friends. (See Steven Pressfield's Gates of Fire.) However, he identifies as the real character, so it's possible that there may be more he's not telling anybody.

Like his original incarnation in the book, Agent Suicide is active, cheerful, implacable, and utterly, utterly psychotic. He earned his name from the Spartan gentleman-rankers for being a deathseeker, actively hurling himself into battle in hopes of being killed. To him, being resurrected is the ultimate setback, and he's been trying to get himself offed as a PPC agent ever since. Two Sues have almost managed it, but something always intervenes.

His partnership with Diocletian has had a (somewhat) calming influence on him. He thoroughly dislikes the idea that he is a character from a book, and prefers to think of himself as someone who's simply traveled forward in time a bit; Diocletian has helped him assimilate, sort of, and introduced him to modern concepts like anesthetics and smoking. He still can't shake the habit of seeing everything through the lens of his old life, mentally classifying everyone as squires, helots or Peers and keeping to the worship of the Scythian gods, but Diocletian is his closest friend and when she advises him to do something, he listens. Sometimes.

Some things she'll never be able to break him of, though. He skins and tans Sue hides to make his trademark white leather quivers, celebrates funerals by smoking hemp, and though he prefers women most often he is (in his own words) "not picky" about which gender he sleeps with. His current infatuation is Nurse Jenni Robinson, who doesn't put up with his BS.

Diocletian Astreth is an ex-Mary-Sue formerly known as Dea the Red. A would-be Maia with a crush on Legolas and a familial connection to the Witch-King, Dea nevertheless managed to scrape just enough points to avoid being assassinated, and was instead taken back to Headquarters for rehabilitation. Heavy therapy and constant Logicillin doses stripped away the Sueishness, leaving only the underdeveloped core of her personality: combativeness, sarcasm, a determination to do the job right, and a love of every possible form of overkill.

After accidentally nuking an uncanonical Rivendell, Diocletian was handed over to Suicide, who had also been having trouble fitting in. Between the deathseeking and his inability to comprehend modern culture in any form, he'd royally screwed the pooch on several Bad Slash missions, and he and Dio were put together in hopes that they'd either cancel out or kill each other.

They clicked. For Diocletian, still adrift after the loss of her Sue abilities (hence her love of things that go kaboom), Suicide was a power surrogate: someone who could act as insane and violent as need be, but get away with it because it was IC and canonical for him. With her partner handling the crazy part of the Duty, she was free to develop into her own character. Nowadays, they're as close to BFFs as you can get in the PPC, although if Suicide doesn't quit getting into testosterone contests with Nume she won't answer for the consequences . . . 

Some parts of her old life she'll never be able to shake: her interest in Orcs, her habit of swearing by Eru, and her love of maces and morningstars are here to stay. 

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